
I'm bewitched by schmaltzy and not so schmaltzy crooners. I put on the slippers, load the scotch glass & wring that knife gently, gently.






My high school town doesn't make me seasick anymore. There was a time I could hardly walk the streets without feeling seriously woozy. I go to see some of my old friends. One of them is pregnant. I tried to be polite (I repressed the question: why future generations?). My other friend got herself a guinea pig. She talked about the wheel that enchants the guinea pig, then she goes on to bemoan her own.
At night, teenybop spectres make my head their home while bulldozers ravage in my stomach. I travel the time tunnel, accompanied by my grandmother's moraclock which has not left the house, even though she has. The clock tolls 2, 3, 4 and 5. I think about her. She used to smoke cigarettes hunched over the stove while I got ready for school. She made eggs and porridge. She listned to the news in Finnish. She turned to look at me with a humorous, sly expression on her face. I told her when I'd be home. She asked me to buy a few things from the store. We had a language of our own. Other people did not always understand her. There were times I had a hard time, too. I remember Gunnar Björling:
You go the/ words/ and where/ were you, it was/ I know not and/ that to your ear/ wants/ and with the eye/ just with finger


So, anyway. I try to fix my sleeping hours to a more normal schedule. It's a bitch. I try anyway. As soon as I lay me down to sleep, my mind wakes up. A huge span of awareness. My skin itches. My mind is hustle and bustle. My skin burns. Feet start tapping a rhytm. I try to calm myself down. I try to think of nothing. Impossible. There is a title of a book I try to remember. The author. Hattie... Hilda... Holly... Thoughs transform into physical entities, moving around the body. Who said thinking is in the head? There are thoughts in my feet and my hands and my stomach. Fucking ants. I start worrying. I float around on a mat of self-obsession. A bad lump. I summon it and it appears. Have I payed that bill? Should I go check the drawers? Cars driving by throw reflections on the wall. I look at these. The lightness of the room hurts the eyes. I listen to the hum of the heater. A creak. A click. Somebody is in the elevator. It's next to my wall. Next to my ear. I hear the rustle of a key. The door opening & shutting. I wonder what my neighbor has been up to. I tell myself not to think. Not of x. Not of y. Not of z. Not of motherfucking x. Keep it at bay. As I try to suffocate the thought, it reappears all the more insistent, all the more indubitable. Technicolor vivid. Try to think of neutral stuff. Swedish kings from 1300 to now. In a frenzy I have a go at it. Karl X Gustav. I've worked up a sweat, temples throbbing, bones aching. Gustav IV Adolf. Sheets wriggling, covers flying. My bed jumps up and down. As if on a storming sea. My body forms itself into different shapes. I twitch and turn. I'm sure I will never sleep again. What time is it? My mind grabs onto the subject of work. Arendt & Marx & me & alienation & what is politics, really. I shut that down. Fast. A melody appears. I try to suppress it, but it overpowers me. I try to remember how the melody goes. Is. That. ABBA. Yes. It. Is. I imagine dawn is drawing near. The wee small piss hours. I will never sleep and never rest.
3. Det är synd att jag läser så lite serier. S. lånade mig Einsteins fru av Liv Strömquist. Jag läser första delen en natt från kl. 2 till 5 a.m. Det rör sig om helt fantastiska feministiska analyser av saker som Marx' riktiga relation till proletärerna, den babyloniska skökan och diskussionen om "naturligt beteende". Och Jackson Pollock! Denna jävel om vilket det gjorts en riktigt insmickrande film som heter, ahem, Pollock. Strömquist sticker hål på det "manliga geniet". Den manliga konstnären som lider. Liv Strömquists bullshitsradar är påslaget. Just Pollock-serien är fullständigt brilliant, både texter och bilder är på kornet. Strömquist beskriver partiarkatets logik. "Ett klyschigt fenomen i ett partiarkat är att en massa svinhotta, coola tjejer kan vara ihop med ett astråkigt fuckface, men ändå känna sig underlägsna, osäkra och förtäras av en helt orealistisk svartsjuka p.g.a. att man införlivat en vidrig, sexistisk verklighetsuppfattning om att man själv inte har något värde." Word. Strömquist ställer viktiga livsfrågor om Samtidssverige: "Varför vill så många manliga regissörer skildra samma sak: att en oneurotisk arbetarklassflicka slänger av sig paltorna och säger 'ta mig' på dalmål?" Bra fråga. Albumet avslutas med en klartänkt betraktelse om John & Yoko.


