A Walk

I have a Forrest Gump thing going on. You remember Forrest running from one part of the country to another, "I just like to run"? I feel like that. About walking. Lately, I've been feeling claustrophobic. I'm not sure why. Just am. The department drove me crazy for no reason at all. I simply couldn't focus on anything but sat there like a statue, gazing into the wall, thinking empty thoughts. Most days, I went home exhausted with the feeling of having accomplished nothing, of having spoilt my time, of having done badly. During coffee breaks, I just felt frustrated about stuff & couldn't enjoy the company of people anyway. I need silence, a bed to sleep in at 2 p.m. Endless amounts of coffee. I've started to work at home. (Yes, maybe I do cling to silly ideas about 'homeliness' after all) I want to listen to free jazz or hair metal or whatever, filling the tiny room with sound. Most of all, I sit around thinking about nothing, but not in the state of deadlock. I look out the window. Like a cat. I like my apartment, but being there all day is too much. I go for walks. There's the freshness of spring in the air, freezing cold, the air tugging at the throat. The sunshine bears hints of warmth. Even the FPA building looked beautiful in the sun. I walked around in the Port Arthur area and the blocks nearby. Very few people were on the streets so it felt like I had the place all to myself. The area with low wooden houses suddenly changes into big streets and anonymous-looking houses, with giant street-crossings that make the landscape appear ugly and naked, as if all life has been carried off someplace else. The mix of dirty snow & ice hardened into a thin gray layer doesn't make it any cosier. There's quite a few areas like this in Turku; busy, anonymous, clad with cars and maybe tunnels for walkers. I like to walk there sometimes. I walked along the train track and the traffic noise was comforting somehow. Ridiculous as it is, there are some parts of this city that I haven't seen yet. I will do something about that. For me, walking is not sport, "keeping in shape" (what shape? salmon?). I like to go look at stuff, to let my thoughts drift, to change the rhythm of the walk, from gait to slow shamble. I suppose that is how some feel about running, too. But I am not a runner. Never was. One of the problem with running is that I wouldn't be able to see stuff, I would, so to speak, just focus on the movement. For me, there is a certain meditative quality to walking; paying attention to small things, buildings, roads, backyards, shops, signs, people, smells, light, colors. Walking without thinking about anything in particular.