My primary intention with this blog, or at least one of them, was that I would force myself to write on a regular basis and, thereby, make writing easier and more effortless. But the nature of the things that occupy my mind at present is such, that stream-of-consciousness, jolly chit-chat isn't easily produced. In addition to this, the practicalities, in which I have invested my mental powers, are hardly very exciting. My mind has slowly coalesced with the gray, lifeless world of the bureaucrat, the only concern of whom is to manage problems from the naked perspective of efficiency. I want to cause as little havoc as possible, I don't want to fuck up, I want to cause no harm. That's it. The disgusting thing is that I feel an urge to defend stupid rules and decrees, trying to make them seem both reasonable and practical, trying to make people understand. I "impersonate the law". Or, alternatively, I alienate myself from the whole thing by stating that I don't really believe in this shit. But I'm beginning to see that this is an even worse alternative, not at all the innocent, carefree solution I want it to be. I am simply doing my job. My job? Yeah, whatever.
Do I want to pursue an academic career? Fuck, no. I lack all forms of administrative skills, but I do enjoy the part of the job that is about reading books, writing stuff, reading other people's stuff and trying to help out the best I can. But when even these latter things are looked at from the point of view of efficiency and bureaucracy - then things are getting really ugly.
Really, I enjoy my job, but sometimes I am worried about where things are headed.
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